The adventures of P.J Croft
by Defectron
Summary: No one likes Mary Sues. Well some people do but lets just pretend their not there. But what happens when Mary Sues go bad?This looks like a job for Puni Puni Poemi! Oh no!
1. Default Chapter

When Mary Sues go bad 

The adventures of P.J Croft

Part 1: A fist full of Misato's

Disclaimer: Evangelion doesn't belong to me (anyone who thinks it does must be sniffing too much glue) I don't own any of the Mary Sue's besides P.J either.

Authors notes: I've noticed that there have been several fics that have been popping up recently bashing EVA avatars. While I don't have any love for EVA avatars I think the Storys bashing them could use a little work. Most of them have a fairly run of the mill premise with the regular Eva pilots handing them beat downs. So I decided to do an EVA avatar parody story with a more interesting premise. This fic isn't a typical eva avatar bashing story, but don't worry I'm not exactly nice to them in this story either. One of the things this fic will be dealing with is the usual cliches of the avatar being the author's ideal fantasy hero. What if the author is a deranged maniac? What would their avatar be like? And be warned this fic has Puni Puni Poemi in it!

Who is Puni Puni Poemi?: Puni Puni Poemi is the main character of a two-episode OAV spin-off of Excel Saga called Puni Puni Poemi. She often refers to herself in third person as Kobayashi, the name of her voice actress. Puni Puni Poemi is arguably the most deranged anime I've ever seen. Whoever made it is one of the few people I know of with a more deranged sense of humor then me. The anime is a parody of the magical girl genre. Poemi is the daughter of Nabeshin (the action hero/ director) and Kumi Kumi the mountain girl, two characters that appeared throughout excel saga. They seemingly get killed by a strange purple gangster alien who speaks gibberish and doesn't wear any pants, in a cool battle with Nabishin. After that the alien attacks with some kind of mutated Gundam looking thing. Poemi then finds a magic fish and uses it to transform into Puni Puni Poemi, a magical girl so powerful she can destroy huge mechs with a single punch. After I watched episode two I knew Puni Puni should be the one destined to hunt down and destroy all the SI eva avatars. She has more power then any of them and is so nuts their aura of smooth probably wouldn't effect her. But the only thing poemi really wants is to be a voice actress. As far as I know this is the first EVA fanfic parody of otherwise to cross over with puni puni.

And now lets start

14 years ago

No one really knew it existed but there was a special bar out in the middle of nowhere where all the SI eva avatars would come to drink after a hard day of screwing up their perspective EVA universes. The bartender lifted up two stoned and drunken SI avatars and tossed them outside. They were none other then Issei Mataloun and Lisa Foster. (For those unfamiliar with these two Issei is the sixth child also an angel and seduces Shinji. Same sort of thing with Lisa except she gets Asuka.)

Isssei's head was killing him. He saw a blurred vision of a person in front of him. "Zat you shinji?"

Lisa also woke up seeing a blurry object in front of her. While Issei was stoned and drunk he had dumped a bottle of tabasco sauce on his head. So to Lisas blurred vision it looked like he had red hair. "Asuka? What are you doing here?" both seeing their perspective partners they both turned their aura of smooth on full power. After that things got ugly. I won't go into details of what happened but I will say this. Two EVA SI avatars having sex is sort of like having sex with your sister. 

One month later

Issei put his hands over Shinji's eyes "So Shinji how's about you come on down to my place later tonight ***wink*."**

Before Shinji could respond an angry female voice shouted "There you are!"

"Oh shit!" said Issei who began to back away behind Shinji.

"Issei I'm pregnant!"

"What!?! It's not my fault! Oh no! This means commitment! Why me!"

"What?!? Issei you….I thought you loved me!" Shinji said with tears flowing down his face.

"Sshinji! Don't jump to conclusions!" 

Shinji slapped Issei and ran away crying "I'll never have sex with you again!"

"Shinji wait!" Issei was much too disturbed to make his aura of smooth work.

"Listen. Neither of us wants this kid."

"Shinji! NOOOOO! My Shinji!" Issei shouted with tears in his eyes ignoring Lisa. 

Lisa kicked him and said "Neither of us want's this kid right? The only other people who know about it is Shinji and the doctor. I already erased the doctor's memory you can do the same to Shinji when you have the chance. I can't get an abortion because the baby's aura of smooth is too strong. But I have an idea. I'll just have the baby and dump him on DJ's door step."

"SHINJI!!!!! NOOOO!!!!!"

"It's like talking to a brick wall…."

"Lisa! I heard you were pregnant!" Lisa turned to see an angry Asuka.

"Hey wait a minute! Asuka put down that monkey wrench!"

Later

D.J Croft got up out of bed to go get his morning paper. He had recently retired from being an EVA avatar and now used his aura of smooth to become the new president for the hair club for men. And remember, D.J wasn't just the president, he was also a client! 

D.J opened the door to find a basket with a baby wrapped in a blanket inside it. The baby had pink hair two deely bobbers on his head. He had a note attached to him, which said "Hi, I'm the baby of a disgruntled postal worker. I have no relation to either Lisa Foster or Issei Mataloun. They are completely unrelated to me. Please take care of me and adopt me."

"Oh crap!" said D.J after reading the note. Not even his aura of smooth could get him out of this one. Oh well it was a cute baby anyway. He would raise him to be the best EVA avatar ever, next to him of course. "Well you are a cute kid" DJ put his finger next to his face. The baby opened his mouth to reveal a set of sharp fangs. He latched onto D.J's hand like a rabid pit bull. "AUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!" D.J ran about his front yard like a guy who just dove into a pit of angry driver ants naked flailing his arms about until he crashed face first into a brick wall. "I know the perfect name for you. I'll call you P.J Croft!" after saying that D.J fainted from blood loss.

14 years later

Puni Puni Poemi stood in front of a Monolith with the word "Bubba" written on it. "These insidious beings called Mary Sue's or SI avatars have contaminated the evangelion universes for too long. If you can destroy them all I can guarantee you a job as a voice actress in the anime industry."

"Ahhaha! Just leave this to Kobayashi! I'll bring you the head of every avatar faster then a fish on the hot sidewalk in July!"

"Uhh…right" and with that the monolith disappeared.

In the decimated remains of Tokyo three

It had been one month since third impact had occurred. Shinji and Asuka sat on the beach of the ocean of LCL as the waves crashed into the shore one by one. "Asuka. I wish there were another person here. It's just getting to be too lonely."

"What I'm not enough for you? You almost choked me to death a month ago, you didn't seem to be too anxious for company then."

"I'm sorry, it's just that…"

"There you go again! Shinji were the last one's left. No matter how hard you wish for another person no ones going to just fall out of the sky."

Before Shinji could respond they heard something that sounded like the scream of someone falling and it seemed to be getting closer. Then something impacted on the beach sending up a cloud of sand. When the dust settled a pink haired teenage boy with deely boppers sticking out of his head climbed out of the hole. Oddly enough he was wearing a Neon Genesis Evangelion T-shirt. He took a look around and saw the decaying giant Rei head in the ocean. "Awww damn it! I'm in the post EVA series universe! I was supposed to go to some contrived universe that suited my whims but ended up here. No matter. I'm a man destined to be king! Even in a place like this I can make things work for me!"

He turned to see the two children gaping at him. "What are you two looking at? Do I have a hole in pants or something?"

Shinji had seen so many weird things that even something like this didn't surprise him as much as it would of before. He was still pretty surprised though. He managed to stammer out "Uhhhhh….who the…. What the…who are you?"

"Hehe! They call me the blue thunder of Tokyo three! I'm the 22nd child and I'm a man destined to be king! My name is P.J Croft!" he struck a dramatic pose. Shinji and Asuka both started to back away from him with eyes full of fear.

"Shinji! Whatever that thing is it can't possibly be real! We must be having hallucinations. The life of solitude has finally gotten to us and were starting to crack under the pressure!"

"I don't know Asuka. Why would we both hallucinate at once?"

How should I know? Why is there a big giant decaying Rei head in the ocean! These things don't need a reason to happen to us they just do!"

"You have a good point there. What should we do?"

"Just ignore the hallucination. It'll go away eventually."

"Ummm hello? What are you people talking about?" Shinji and Asuka started ignoring him.

"Well you guys aren't any fun. Hmmmm damn it! Misato isn't alive on the post third impact earth! I wanted to seduce her and have really hot sex! Huhahaha!" he began to green lecherously just thinking about it. "And pen pen. He looked so tasty. I wanted to barbecue him and eat him. This world sucks! But I'll be stuck here until I get enough power to open another gateway. Hmmm I know!" he put his hands over some LCL and it began to move around until it solidified into a body double of Misato.

"Ahhhh! Misato-chan! I can't wait!" 

"Asuka…..He's doing something weird. He made a fake Misato out of the LCL."

"Just ignore him and he'll go away."

"With my unique ability to control the state of peoples AT fields I can bring you back from that puddle, now solidify!"

Misato solidified and fell to the ground. She was completely naked. She slowly got up and looked around "Shinji, Asuka? What's going on, huh? GYAAAAAH!" Misato put both her hands over her chest and her face turned kind of reddish.

"Ahhhh Misato chan I'm so glad you back!" Said P.J jumping on her.

"I'm not Misato! I'm Kensuke!"

"Hunh? Wait a minute did you just say….Kensuke….. Awww damn I put the wrong soul in there. No matter. I won't give up that easily."

"Wait….are you really Kensuke?" asked Shinji.

"Uhhh yeah… Shinji do you know if there's a bathroom or something around here. I want to check a few things out."

Shinji just kind of turned red and said "Kensuke is this really a good time for this?"

Asuka just sat there muttering something about hentais.

"Ok this time It'll be the real Misato for sure!" P.J solidified the second Misato.

She immediately looked down at her chest and shouted "AUUuuhhh!What the hell happened?"

"Aww dang! You're not the real Misato either are you?"

"No I'm Touji!"

"Eeeeee….I see. I guess I should give it another shot!" P.J's eye was starting to twitch it started twitching even more when Kensuke and Touji decided to go "check stuff out" in private.

"Asuka! I'm beginning to think this might not be a hallucination."

"Shinji this is all your fault!"

"M-my fault? How is it my fault? Well I mean aside from that whole 3rd impact incident."

"Were having a perverted hallucination because you're a pervert!"

"WHAT?!? I never thought of Touji and Kensuke that way!"

"Hmmm this Misato isn't freaking out. Maybe she's the right one."

Shinji and Asuka looked to see the new Misato who stood up and as if on reflex made a motion to straighten her non existent glasses. "Who are you this time?" asked Shinji.

"Shinji….I am your father!"

"No! That's impossible!"

"Search your heart Shinji! You know it to be true!"

"Nooooooooooooo!!!!!" Shinji ran away screaming.

"Making me have perverted hallucinations of his own father (!#~!$~@#$). Asuka began to curse in German as she walked away."

"So your Gendo eh?"

"Correct. Although I do admit…..This is a bit different then usual. And who might you be?"

"I'm P.J Croft , the blue thunder of Tokyo 3 and I'm a man destined to be king!"

"I see. You aren't a regular person. What are you? An angel?"

P.J grinned evilly and said "If you must ask, I'm a demon."

Elsewhere

"Kobayashi punch!" Puni Puni Poemi pounded Max Sterling into a red stain on the concrete with just one blow. She checked him off the list in her little black book. There was just one name left "P.J Croft? Didn't I already get him? No wait that was D.J. All these confusing names! Kobayashi refuses to tolerate such confusing names! People with names like these should be hunted down and killed brutally, no killed painfully! I know painfully and brutally! People with Confusing names SHALL BE PUNISHED! And Mary Sue's with confusing names will be punished more! Why are they even called Mary Sue's if they aren't named Mary? Kobayashi! Kobayashi!" Shouted Poemi who continued ranting like the maniac she was as she flew off into the sky.


	2. The eternal rival

When Mary Sues go bad

Part 2: P.J's eternal rival

Authors notes: I'm bringing in another Mary Sue I made up named Ted. Why is Ted still alive? Well I'm not going to explain it to you. You're just going to have to read the story to find out.

"Gwaaaak!" said the new Misato.

"Damn it! Things like this shouldn't happen to a Mary Sue! Let me guess, your Pen Pen!" P.J began to bang his head against a lamp post in his frustration. "This makes me so mad…Grrr.." P.J's canines began to elongate a little. "No….I need to stay in control. I'd better beat myself up some more so that I don't transform." P.J began to beat the crap out of himself Tyler Durden style smacking himself all over the beach.

"Gwaaack!"

"Hey pal…cough! Your lucky you ain't a bird anymore. If you were I would've eaten you by now…" P.J collapsed back onto the beach having somehow managed hit himself in the stomach with a roundhouse kick 300 times. A physical impossibility, but nothings impossible to a Mary Sue.

"Gwacck!" PenPen started to walk away, stumbling because he/she wasn't used to having such long legs.

"That's right! My super cool Eva unit 22 got left back in that contrived universe which I blew up. I need a new EVA. After all the blue thunder of Tokyo three can't be seen with out a cool set of wheels! HAHAHAHA!"

"But EVAs don't have wheels." Remarked Shinji who was cautiously watching the maniac from behind a sand dune. "By the way why is he wearing a T-shirt with pictures of anime versions of us on it?"

"How the hell should I know?!? He's your hallucination!"

"Hey could you guys look away for a second?" asked P.J

"How did he know we were here?"

"Never mind that. Just look away for a second. If you don't I'll start stripping."

Shinji and Asuka looked away. "Ok you can turn around now."

"How the hell did that get there?" both Shinji and Asuka asked.

"Don't sweat the small stuff. It's sort of like that trick with that David Copperfield guy."

Eva unit 5 had suddenly appeared on the beach. It's head was still deformed into multiple faces of Rei from when it had mutated during 3rd impact. However all the faces had their eyes closed as if the huge deformed giant were sleeping. 

"Is it dead?" asked Shinji.

"Don't talk to hallucinations!"

"Asuka hallucination or not I don't think he's going anywhere. We might as well see what's going on. It could be important if he's real."

"It probably won't be for you two to be honest." P.J took out something that looked like a bent railroad spike sharpened into a curved blade with strange runes on it. "This is my rune railroad spike soul scruncher. It steals the life force of anyone I poke it with and stores it for further use. I think it's full right now but I might need a little more. Wanna come over here Asuka? I got something funny to show you."

"Uhhh I think I'll pass."

"Your no fun. Well I probably have enough." P.J began chanting "There's no place like home! There's no place like home!" the runes on his railroad spike began to glow bluish. Suddenly all the multiple Rei faces sprang to life and began to giggle girlishly. P.J burst out into maniacal laughter along with them. Both Asuka and Shinji had to put their hands over their ears in an attempt to drown out the awful laughter.

"Why did you bring that freak back to life? That thing nearly killed me!" asked Asuka

"It's going to be my new EVA. My old EVA was really cool but one day I thought it would be fun if I tried self destructing. Now that I think about it, that was probably a bad idea. The blast completely vaporized Japan."

"If that's true how did you survive?"

P.J blushed and said "Well now that's none of your business now is it." He gave unit 5 a kick and the eva coughed up the dummy plug in a puddle of LCL. With a slice from soul scruncher the dummy plug was cut open. Inside was a little tiny shriveled up Kowaru clone that had been left inside the LCL for too long. "Here you go Shinji. Just add water and you'll have you're very own dummy Kowaru.

The shriveled up Kowaru clone began to drool on Shinji. "Uhhh…Asuka!"

"Don't you come near me with that thing Shinji!"

P.J jumped up on top of unit five and said "Well it's been fun but I have more eventful universes to play with." Nothing happened. "Stop looking at me."

"Ummm why?" asked Shinji.

"Who cares! Just look away before I decide to use soul scruncher on you two!" They both looked away. When they looked back P.J and the EVA were gone.

"You know Asuka. You may have been right. Maybe that was a hallucination."

"Of course I'm right!"

"But Asuka, if you are right then where did that come from?" the little shriveled up Kowaru glomped onto Shinjis leg and said "I love you!"

Suddenly there was a loud bang coming from behind Shinji and Asuka. They turned to see a girl with two long pink pig tails, a weird round purple thing on her head, a skimpy red and blue magical girl outfit with pinkish dominatrix style looking tights. "Asuka! You were right! We have gone crazy!"

"I missed him again! And I can't find which universe he went to! Ahhh! What a pain for Kobayashi!" said Poemi who then vanished as fast as she had come.

In another more contrived universe

Maya Ibuki had just finished breakfast and was about to leave for work when there was a huge crash outside her house. It sounded as if a sky scraper had just collapsed. It might be another angel. Maya went over to the window and looked outside to see a big white eva lying on the ground with multiple giggling Rei faces staring at her. Maya dropped her coffee mug and ran away screaming.

"Ooops. Looks like I forgot to think ahead again." Said P.J scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "Where could I hide this thing? I know!"

half an hour later

Ritsuko arrived on the scene. Men in black suits were all over the place sealing off the area. "This boy was found on the scene throwing balls of crumpled up newspaper onto the unknown eva."

P.J waved his hand in front of the mans face and said "I already told you. There's no eva here."

The man raised an eyebrow. "Kid you've been watching to much star wars."

"Why isn't my aura of smooth working?"

"Aura of smooth? What are you talking about?" asked Ritsuko.

"Well it's what we call this glowy thingy that surrounds our body. Only we can see it and we can use it to fool regular people like this." He waved his hand in front of Ritsukos face and said "It's so hot out that you decide to take off your clothes! And if it were working you would listen to me and do it but it's not working! And you morons are going to take away my lovely unit five!" P.J began to bang his head on the cement in frustration. All the mutliple Rei faces began to laugh at him. P.J glared at the EVA. "So you think this is funny eh? That's it! I don't have to take this from you! You can just go pilot yourself for all I care." P.J started to walk away.

"I'm afraid I can't allow you to leave." Said another black suited man blocking his pathway.

P.J looked at the man and with lightning speed he struck biting him on the arm.

Later in Gendos office

"The bones in the arm of the man who was bitten have all been completely shattered. No human could have done that."

"We could classify it as an angel…..but somehow…..It just doesn't seem right for the angels to bite people." Said Gendo.

"That's what I thought too. Our men are still searching for the mystery boy but so far he's nowhere to be found."

"Hmmm if this gets to out of hand we may have to use Ted to help us track him down."

"But Ted's much more valuable to us as our ace pilot in the war against the angels. What if Ted got bitten?"

"Heh. I doubt Ted could be stopped by something like a mere bite. His existence is something beyond our own."

Somewhere in Tokyo three

P.J was wearing a surgical mask and some sunglasses. "Hehe they'll never recognize me."

"Freeze!"

"How did you guys recognize me? Oh yeah that's right. Without my aura these crappy disguises won't work." P.J ran away with about ten men in black suits chasing after him firing on him. "Fortunately I still have my speed see you later!" P.J ran away so fast he left the ten men in black suits with stitches in their sides panting on the sidewalk.

It was a warm sunny day and Shinji thought it would be nice to eat his lunch outside with his good friend Ted who just may be more then a good friend(blah!). Asuka and Rei were also there too. Ted was a blond haired guy with blue eyes who could turn the world on with his smile and stood about five foot five, the only thing out of place was a white bandanna tied around his fore head. "Ahhh what a lovely day it is! But not as lovely day it is. But not as lovely as you." Shinji , Asuka and Rei all blushed, each seeming to think he was talking to them. Ted had them in the bag hook line and sinker! Petals of Sakura began to fall and it would have turned into a scene out of some Sho-jo manga if the brick wall hadn't suddenly exploded. Ted looked into the cloud of dust and saw someone climb out from under the bricks. It was a strange pink haired kid with deely boppers. Ted's Mary Tyler Moor smile changed into an ugly scowl and he shouted "IT'S YOU!" Ted grabbed the nearest object, which unfortunately happened to be Kensuke, and started smashing him repeatedly against P.J.

"What's going on here? Ted? Oh shit of all the universe I had to end up in yours!" shouted P.J who caught him between his hands like they do with swords in those ninja anime.

"I should have known you were behind this. I couldn't use my aura because yours was canceling mine out."

"YOU! YOU! YOU!" With a look of utter rage Ted grabbed P.J around the neck and began to squeeze.

"Ted I'm not that kind of guy. The only one for me is Misato-chan!"

"Misatos mine! And so is every other girl and even some of the guys in this anime!" he flung P.J into the brick wall making a crater.

"What did you just say Ted?" asked Asuka who looked like she may be coming out from under his influence.

"Oh nothing dear!" A bunch of veins were beginning to pop up out of his fore head.

"Asuka! That guys nothing but a play boy. I know all about you Ted, Your even in a relationship with PenPen!"

"Well at least I'm not trying to eat PenPen!"

"Wait a minute. You and PenPen!" said Shinji starting to back away.

"Y-y-you! Hentai!" Asuka double slapped him and ran away. Rei just walked over to Ted and smacked him. Then he felt someone else tap him on the shoulder. It was PenPen! PenPen slapped him with his flipper.

"P.J! Everytime we get in the same universe together this happens! How dare you mess up my universe again! You call yourself a Mary sue! Mary Sue's were built to protect their universes and you blew yours up."

"Yeah right. Most Mary Sues think so but in the end we usually do more damage then the things we fight. Sure you might stop third impact but the reality of the universe will be warped beyond control which will eventually destroy it. We're both parasites who bend reality to satisfy our desires at least I'm honest about it."

"You, can't talk to me that way! All my intents are pure and this world will be a better place because of it!"

"So that's why you and penpen….."

"I'll have you know that my love for PenPen and the others is entirely pure unlike your sleaze!"

"What! That's it! No one talks to the blue thunder of Tokyo 3 like that and gets away with it!" P.J slipped some knuckle blades onto his hand. Each blade was about two feet long.

"Where were you keeping those knuckle blades?"

P.J blushed "Well now that's none of your business."

"Don't give me bad images! ACK!"

"Ha! You fell for my distraction technique where I give you bad images while I impale you!"

"Feh! Something like that can't kill me. P.J I've changed since we last met." Ted took off his bandanna and there was a Kanji on it. "This is the sign of the void. I'm a WU now. Which means I'm an immortal! ACK!"

P.J cut off his head and tucked it under his arm "Listen Ted I think it's time we had a little man to head talk."

"Blast your impudence! Put me down this instant!"

"Mind if I draw on your face?"

"Freeze!"

"Gee I guess carrying a head around was a bit conspicuous of me now wasn't it? Hey listen this isn't what it looks like! See he's actually still alive! Say something Ted!"

Ted closed his eyes and didn't say anything. 

"Ted you bastard!" all the men in black suits began to fire on P.J again as he ran away with Teds head.


End file.
